Lavender Rain

I’m very grateful to have lived through 2009 and I’m very much looking forward to what 2010 may bring. I have learned a lot in 2009, and I think I did grow a bit. Being a mother is teaching me a lot. Overall, I’m quite happy with what I’ve accomplished in 09. I just can’t believe another decade has gone by… It will be almost 10 years since I graduated from High School. Where did time go? I can still remember when I was the “child” and going to school and getting into trouble from my parents like they all just happened yesterday. Now I am the parent and the one that has the responsibility to discipline a child. Oh how I wish that I did more things in life… which gives me a reason to have a few New Years Resolutions this year. I’m going to enjoy life more.

God has taught me so much. I know that I have turned away from Him and living my life in a way that isn’t pleasing to His eyes, but I’m glad that I could come to Him at any time. He is always faithful even when I’m not. That’s why we all need His grace… heck, I know I really need it, because I’m such a moron. lol… I am going through things mentally and emotionally and God is helping me to get back on my feet. I’m really grateful for God’s provision…

Another resolution? I’m going to drink milk on a regular basis and also eat healthier. God is keeping me alive and healthy so that I could function in life. I also realized that I’m starting to become lactose intolerant as I haven’t been drinking much milk since I got married… We don’t have milk in the house because Josh is lactose intolerant. Zoe will only drink breast milk or chocolate milk. Another reason why it’s a good idea for me to drink more milk is because I realized that my knees have become weak. I think I need to do jumping jacks to strengthen my legs and feet! I’m really out of shape.

I realized that I have been posting a lot about baking and cake decorating. I felt that these posts seem to be out of place in this blog. For that very reason, I decided to create a separate blog that is only related to baking and cake decorating. From now on, all topics about baking will be posted on Cakes by Kristine. I don’t want to purchase a separate domain and web space for that blog yet. I have a lot of space on this so why not.

I digress. I had the strangest dream again. It kind of freaked me out, but also made me sad. I don’t feel like repeating it here. I have been thinking about the health of others, especially loved ones. Life is indeed too short. Now nobody died from my family, but it’s just something that I’ve been thinking a lot about and I know that I have to be ready for that. As a believer in Christ, we are taught that death is a very beautiful thing for a believer. God is happy when a Christian dies, because once his soul leaves his physical body, he is face to face with the Lord. I don’t fear death itself, but I fear what manner I’m going to die. I’d rather die in my sleep or because of old age. I am afraid of dying in a way that is painful and in a matter of slowly torturing you physically and mentally. God is the only one who knows how much time I have on earth. He only knows the time and manner of my death. God knows how everyone is going to die…

I wonder who is going to go home first… me or my husband? I will be very lonely without him, especially if I’m old. Life is really short… I really can’t take it for granted… anyway, I apologize about the topic of this post. It is a little depressing. So I’m going to share some photos from my husband’s kid’s Christmas party that was held in Galaxyland.

The past few weeks have been filled with many trials and difficulties. It is a very personal matter that I don’t want to really discuss further and continue to dwell on. I know that I don’t have control over everything. I can’t make everyone happy. I can’t control other people’s feelings. What they do is between them and God. But I failed yet again. Because I reacted irrationally. However, it was a mistake that made me realize how helpless I really am without God’s wisdom. I had allowed my emotions to dictate my own decisions again. My emotions tempted me to do things that I desire not to do.

I did what I felt.

Why did God have to design women to be more emotional than men? It has always been a constant battle for me between what I feel and what I know is right and rational.

Some things that I was taught from my pastor-teacher:

Emotional stress causes people to act on impulse.

The emotion of fear, also a sin, causes flight.

The emotion of disgust causes repulsion.

The emotion of anger causes violence.

Instincts are reflex behavior based on emotion rather than on
thought.

gbible.org

Read the rest of this entry »

She can still feel him even when he’s far away… They used to be close, but they drifted apart. Yet even if they’re apart, she still feels him. His thoughts, his warmth, his smile. She can still feel that inner happiness they shared when they were together, even when he’s far away. The laughter they shared together. The tears. And those moments they spent all day together. She knew it would be hard losing him, but how could she ever face him again after all she’s done? She believed it was best to get out of his life completely, but deep down it isn’t what she wants… She still thinks about him everyday and it gets painful every time… she’ll probably think about him for the rest of her life.

People have been wondering about when Zoe’s “christening” will be. Honestly, I don’t even understand the point of Christening. I don’t understand what it’s about. I don’t know what it’s for. I don’t understand what it does to my baby. I just don’t get it. Is there a point to it? Where in the Bible does it say that I have to have a Christening for my child? What kind of ritual is it anyway? And by the way, this is really an honest question. I am not trying to mock anybody, but I just want to know more about this before I go ahead with this idea. It just seems like everyone is expecting me to do it. Actually, one person went up to me and asked me when Zoe’s christening will be and when I said she’s not gonna have one, they just looked at me in disbelief and gave me this whole lecture that made no sense to me. Well, I’m willing to give it a chance, just as long as it’s a command from the Word of God. It just seems like it’s one of those “religious” things that entered Christianity and all — please correct me if I am wrong.

Anyways, I have been thinking about myself lately and what kind of person I have become, the new title that I gained (aka Mother). As a mother, I can’t always act the way that I want when I was just a single woman. It’s not about me anymore. I am a sister, a mother, a believer, etc… How do I balance that? Am I still the same girl I was back then? I feel like I’m still supposed to be the same, but I also feel like I should change. I must confess that I’ve been guilty about a lot of things lately. I’m aware of the fact that I’m only human and will never ever be perfect. As a new mom, every time I do something wrong (like forget to change Zoe’s diaper) I seem like I always allow guilt to possess me. I know that allowing such thoughts to entertain me isn’t healthy. If I don’t get that kind of thought under control, it’s going to hurt me and Zoe.

It’s not only that kind of mentality that’s been haunting me lately… but I’ve been thinking about my relationship with God. It hasn’t been the best lately. I’ve gone back to my old ways, like a dog eating its own vomit… I’ve been doing MY plans, MY ways… I’ve been thinking MY thoughts, instead of HIS thoughts. God is probably looking down on me right now, laughing at my stupid human ways. What can I say, Lord? I allowed details of life to come between our relationship. My priorities are wrong and I have to fix it now. I want to be able to learn more and more about God, so that I could teach it to my daughter someday.

One of the hardest things that I’ve been face since Zoe was born is time management. I am always late wherever I go now. As you know, I hate being LATE — for anything! You can’t really predict what your baby will do next. It seems like every time I am about to leave, she wants to nurse. Zoe doesn’t really like the bottle and prefers the breasts. She’ll only take the bottle if she’s really hungry. It’s kinda hard, because I am also giving her some Vitamin D supplements. She won’t take the vitamin D by itself so I mix it with formula. She doesn’t like Formula that much either — she’ll only take it on an empty stomach. So I’m gonna try mixing the vitamin D with expressed breast milk next time.

Oh it’s Spring Break and it’s snowing! It looks beautiful outside, but it’s already April. Edmonton weather is really unpredictable.